The strange thing about heartbreak is that the loneliness never gets easier.
Yesterday at lunch, my coworkers talked about ravioli. You and I will never make them with your grandmother’s pasta maker.
I haven’t watched the newest episode of “This Is Us” and often feel compelled to wait for an imaginary time when we’ll watch it together.
I think about making pizza in the flour-filled air of our kitchen. I miss the taste of the seasonings you melded into the crust.
I drive by the old apartment that we lived in for less than a year. Soon someone else’s bed will be where our bodies held each other every night.
I want to tell you how there’s no way to lose the “Zen” mode in my Bejeweled game. How that’s why I have millions of points.
Or how my car starter battery was only dead and now it works great from far away.
Or how Aum was being so cute the other day.
Or the fact that I had my parents pick me up from a party last Saturday because I was too sad to be there.
It’s been over three months, and it literally feels like yesterday that you were mine.
I have moments where my deluded mind tricks me into believing it’s not done.
And the crash to reality from those moments is always so indelicate and raw. Like poor stitching being pulled apart so it can be redone crooked and wrong.
I’m full of pockmarks and broken threads.
I live in this loneliness of forgetting that you are never coming back and that when I wake up in a panic, it’s because you are not mine and never will be.
That I was just another tragedy. Scrap swept aside to become trash.
Somewhere in the landfill of my toxic thoughts and brooding heart, I am lost. Unless reclaimed, garbage never becomes anything useful again.
That’s the kind of lonely this is.