Throughout my entire adult life I have been this girl who men have chased and fallen flat on their faces in trying to reach.
I have gingerly nudged their finger tips, peeling back their grip on the edge of a cliff with my foot, and watched them plummet.
I have dodged their advances towards me, tucking myself away in a dark alley of some unknown city street.
Yet, I have also scripted beautiful accolades to men who were able to seek and capture my wild heart.
And, I have continually been shut out by each and every one of those men.
I am the girl who appears to be in the lead–running gracefully with my smile. Not even breaking a sweat.
Really, I am the girl who comes in last place every time.
Being beautiful or loved is not exactly a situation about which many are sympathetic. It’s something that isn’t really easy for me to talk or write about, because how can you without coming off as completely narcissistic or conceited?
This is the best way I can describe what it feels like to have everyone and no one want you all at the same time:
When I meet men, I have to be super cautious, because when I am just being myself, not even trying to flirt with them, they fall hard. I’ve been told it’s because there just aren’t women like me. That I pour out the Universe with each breath. That I exude genuineness.
Since I was about sixteen this has been the way it is.
What that feels like is that I’m strangely so special that I am no longer special. If so many feel that way about a person, does that any longer give them uniqueness?
I longingly stare at couples at the altar who maybe didn’t have the best dating record throughout high school and college, but then met that one person, and that person didn’t run away.
Mine always run… at Olympic speeds.
Rarely, I will meet a man who does completely enrapture me. It’s happened a handful of times in my life. When this occurs, all the other men in my life get pissy and jealous. They idolize the man I have “chosen”. They either back off or vie for my attention even harder.
I am completely loyal, however, once I have been swooned, and that man will have my adoration until he “flees the scene”, which he always does.
It feels isolating. I’m terribly lonely sometimes even when in the same bed as a man, knowing that I’m either just being coveted for my sexual appeal or I’m being held away at arm’s length.
It hurts so scathingly deep to be told I’m “perfect” and know they are either just talking about my flesh or abilities in bed, or they truly think I’m amazing and unlike anyone they’ve ever met but abandon me anyway.
I remember one boyfriend I had, where we made love and I said I love you for the first time. It was over ten years ago. That’s the only time I’ve ever been able to say that while intimate with a man and not be mocked or left in silence, with the exception of my ex fiancé, who, although loved me fiercely, abused his power over me and ultimately squandered our union.
There have been times when I have wanted to say it, and I just look at my lover with this reverent and passionate stare, hoping they can read minds or something, because I dare not say it again.
I’m honestly fearful that I will never be in a meaningful relationship again, because the men who fall for me (that I feel anything back for) live far away, choose career over me, have other relationship statuses, or are completely commitment phobic, self-sabotaging humans.
Why can’t I love one of the twenty men circling me for my interest? Sadly, it just ain’t how life works.
The girl most loved is the girl most desired. The girl with the nicest skin, prettiest smell, tastiest parts… The girl most loved is the girl who gives her whole heart only to find that no one really wants it.
I have literally (and I actually mean literally) been abused by multiple men who have claimed that they love me and I am their favorite human in existence. I have been denied; I have been sworn at; I have been verbally battered and emotionally neglected. I have been invited in and then thrown away.
I don’t want to be the girl most loved.
I want to be the ordinary girl who meets the guy–maybe the only guy who will ever be interested–and he only has eyes for her and always will.