No Pain, No Gain

Last year, one of my goals in therapy was to find out more about my ability to have children.

I am a relatively anxious person. I spent the better part of 2019 on anti-anxiety medicine, which I eventually weaned off of at the end of the summer. I was having health complications and suicidal thoughts, so stopping the medication was the best option. I was prescribed a different medicine, but before I started taking it, I realized that I felt good. Like… good, good. So good, in fact, that I felt better than I did since before J and I broke up.

I was back. I was energized and motivated. I felt excitement about things. I felt emotions. A LOT of them. But all in a good way. I created a lot of art. I read books. I made lists. I was me.

Although my anxiety was doing better and I was feeling so much more fulfilled in life, I still had this gaping curiosity and fear about my own fertility.

So, I ordered this hormone test online called Modern Fertility. I just lanced my finger a little while ago, and as I awkwardly type this with a bandage on my left, middle finger, the sample is drying on a card that I send back to the laboratory. In 7-10 days, I will get my results. Typically, one should test every 12 months or so for the most accurate results, but this will give me some indication if things are okay or if I need to see a specialist.

Having a child is something I’ve always envisioned, and as I near 37, I know there is not a lot of time left. This hasn’t escalated my search for a life partner or donor; I haven’t even dated anyone in a year and a half. I don’t want to rush into a decision that may be for the wrong reasons or may not be right for me, because I don’t know the person well enough. I still need time to heal myself, too. Ideally, within 3 years I would like to have a child, if it’s still in the cards for me.

Depending on what my results are, I will know if there’s extra precautions or steps I can take to ensure my chances of conceiving in the future.

Either way, for today, I did one more thing on my “Amanda To-Do List”, and I am proud of myself. Since I started therapy a little over a year ago, I have made so much progress. Not only am I more stable and much more intrinsically fulfilled, I have also healed a lot of emotional wounds, learned the power of “no”, and created boundaries where needed. I have taken charge of my life instead of being a silent on-looker, who was essentially apathetic about whether the trajectory was heading to success or a tragedy.

The blood draw was a mere pinch, but the months that led me to today have been like being pressed tight in a vice, wrung out, then hammered full of nails.

I can lose a little blood for this.

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